Little nice things.

I might have scared him a little with my enthusiastic squeal, but really this was the first time that out of context I was identified from my mormon.org video. I mean at an art show or lecture I'm in context but in a crowd of people? Thanks Sam.
That's not the purpose of the mormon.org video, I know that. I probably shouldn't even post this but it was just a little nice thing and I'm thinking that I should go tell somebody that they did something that mattered to me so that they can feel nice today also. And you should do that too.

Sorry About That

I just blurted it out, a confession. The memory must have come back to me because of the way we were laying there. It was just the two of us watching a movie after everybody else went to bed and even though she's so grown up, she still snuggled up to me, teetering on the edge of the couch. I held her tight and told her I was sorry for that night when I set her down for just a second so I could grab her earache medicine from the kitchen and she rolled off the couch onto the hard wood floor. She was a tiny baby and while we both cried, I felt so bad and so guilty, like I had failed as her mother. I asked her to forgive me, then when through a list of bad mothering moments I was sorry for. She laughed and said it was alright and we watched the rest of the movie.
As we were turning out the lights, ready to head upstairs to bed, she grabbed my hand and said, "look in the mirror, that's funny!" It was funny, we were standing there hand in hand and she was so much taller than me.

It all happened so fast, her growing up. Today I was at the hospital, touching the tiny foot of my nephew, less than an hour old. I was in awe with the beauty of it all, from the hospital to driving and shopping for a prom dress. And though I have made and continue to make mistakes, I felt lucky and grateful for these people in my life that I get to love.

Thoughtful gifts fill my heart to burst'n. Littlest kitten knitted her first scarf over Thanksgiving break. Like her mama's knitting, it had a few holes so Dan Barney fixed it up with some fancy flowers. It's so sweet and so pretty.

Middle Kitten made me a spiffy bag. I'm lucky. Some special people gave me some more special things that I loved too.

Forty-two feels good. Today was perfect even without painting. Tomorrow though? I'll paint in the dining room.

I got a package this week from Orangeville, Ontario where Gillian and Sophie have backyard beehives. They sent some pictures and asked if they could use my Queen Bee image on their label. I think it looks great. They also send some fancy lip balms. Thanks girls!

It made me think of other's generosity and how nice it feels to receive meaningful gifts, like this scarf. Laura from Seattle gave this beautifully knit scarf to me this fall. I've been wearing it a lot. It's a nice size so it fits around my neck, not too long. She is very talented with that wool.

Angela Henrie sent me this FABULOUS treat and it makes me very happy every time I wear it. I check her blog often to see what she's making.

I'm lucky that in my job I get to meet so many fabulous people who are good and generous. Whenever I come across these tokens of love, I feel that warm feeling and want to do the same for someone in return. I guess that's what makes the holiday season a happy, warm time.

It's really wonderful when I can meet the art collectors, hear their stories and why they connect with certain artworks. Those stories make the artwork their own. Those stories become part of the artwork.

A founder of the Rich Foundation, Phyllis Ricchiuti, is very gracious lady. How beautiful to do so much good for so many.

It made my heart all warm to meet people who invest in the happiness of their children and the education of others. Every parent I met, who talked to me about his or her child with autism, beamed with love and told stories about how special each of those children are.

This experience, learning about autism and meeting inspiring people, reminded me that challenges can make us stronger and that those challenges are gifts.

I'm embracing my heritage, getting prepared. I won't be one of those people crying because they ran out of pom-poms.

Preservation...canninng...mummies....see the link?

Walking into Zim's was a blast from the past. It reminded me of my grandma who collected pom-poms too. The craft store is closed now, and my grandma is gone, so I'll keep these memories around me...so I won't forget. I love my studio because it has all of my favorite things; supplies, treasures, tokens of happy memories. It's a room of my own. I was thinking last night as my kittens and I were madly working on Halloween collages that we probably spend more hours in there than anywhere. It's a good feeling space.

They are so pretty, all fluffy and colorful. I hope I don't accidentally eat one.

Little Understandings

I little bit back, Gritty Pretty left a comment on a blog post about guilt ...And I worry about kids who are surrounded by adults who don't make growing up look like a cool thing to do.

I had actually been thinking about that very thing. I've read about America's cultural obsession with youth. I can see it all around me. Admittedly, there have been times of my life that I have wanted to bounce off the page, like paint squirted into a spin art machine. I remember my red plastic spin art kit. I can just smell that paint and hear it whizzing. It was soooo exciting to see what would be on that paper as it finally came to a stop. And that slap, slap, slapping paint that was wasted, too many colors making it brownish, dripping all goopy down the sides. My heart feels like that sometimes, slap, slap, slapping goo against the walls of my ribcage. What I'm really trying to say ( I got a little carried away there) is that there are times I've wanted/ have busted out of my "grown-up" construct.

The thing is, this season of my life is proving ever more amazing to me...and I like it. I keep looking in the mirror at my maturing skin and I'm intrigued. I look like a grown up and I think it's kind of cool but all of that is less important ...and that's the beauty of it, realizing how unimportant it is. So many things don't seem so important and that is so liberating. See what just happened there? That little epiphany about aging is exactly what I think is so amazing. Life keeps giving me these little gifts, little understandings, moments of clarity that change my perception of things, giving me more and more freedom. I'm learning not to run away from or toward anything, I just am and it feels so nice on the inside. I think it's what makes this second half of life so good. Whew, what a relief. I'm glad that the first half of my fortieth year wasn't a disappointment. And high five to Quelicious, I do want my kittens to know that growing up is pretty cool.

I have received several emails recently addressing the topic 'guilt'. Do I feel guilty that I get to paint all day? Ya, sometimes. I feel guilty that Dan Barney could be married to someone who has dinner on the table and isn't distracted. I feel guilty that other people have jobs they don't love. I feel guilty because life at home could be a little bit quieter. I feel guilty that I'm not involved in politics. I can think of lots of reasons to feel guilty but...
when I get caught in that hole, I've learned to step back a take a critical look at the people around me. Are my kittens doing well? Am I paying enough attention to each of them? How is Dan Barney and what can I do to make his life better? How is the rest of my family and friends and my house and church job and business? Then the important part is making adjustments where needed.
Each season of my life requires different things from me so I remind myself to be flexible and be present.
I'm working on a video that addresses a little bit more on this topic. I worry about other women that tell me they are moms who want a career in art. It's hard work and it's a constant challenge to keep career in it's place. I've made the mistake before of convincing myself that I was special and this ambition that I have was a gift that will better mankind but really...that was just a way of easing the guilt. I'm also happy for anybody who chooses art as an occupation. It's gives life a depth that might have missed had I chosen something else.
So...do I feel guilty right now? Nope, just grateful.

Summer

I step outside just as the sun is going down and check on my garden. The sunset paints the world more beautifully than I ever can. There is paint under my fingernails and bike grease on my right leg and I feel good in my tired body. I listen to the trains and smell the smells that are summer. The geraniums and the tomatoes and the lavender are memories, memories that I feel but don't think. They are memories of summers always.

The air cools down and so do I. Returning to the house, I look in from the outside. I sit for a moment and watch. This is my favorite moment in my favorite season and I feel it.

Jennifer Barton, Cassandra Barney, Carla Jimison

I was surprised at how well attended our show was at BYU, Idaho. I was pleased to meet nice people and answer lots of questions. People commented on how well each of our styles of working complimented each other and shared a poetic, real, feminine quality.
I wish that I had a photo of one of Jennifer's paintings. I admire the way in which way lays down her paint. Her artwork is sophisticated and has a quiet feeling to it. Carla's prints were beautiful as well. If only the artworks were small enough to hide in my purse, I might have tried to lift a couple.

If the man in the photo above had been a really lousy teacher, I might not be doing what I'm doing today. See, as a freshman in college, even though I loved playing around in with art materials, I didn't take it seriously as an career at all. Then in my freshman year, I took a couple of art classes, one from Matt Geddes and one from the professor in the photo above, Gerry Griffin. Both of them were really good teachers. They didn't discourage the little people who didn't show much promise. I'm so glad because my artwork was ...not so good. Really, not so good. It was great to have artwork in the very building that I took my first real art class and get the chance to thank them. I'm thankful for good teachers. I still think that teaching is the best, most important job in the world.

Dan Barney and I drove around a looked at where we each used to live and where we met. It was a funny blast from the past. We agreed that don't want to go back but we're glad we did it.

Me "So 9, what are you guys doing for Spring Break?"
9a "We're going to St. George, you guys should come."
Me "Okay."

It wasn't long ago that going away for a few days was a lot of work; packing up fussy babies, diapers and all of that. Now spontaneous trips without an agenda are far more fun, especially with good friends.
We joined the Cochrans for a few days full of super fun events. The great thing was that the super fun events were not really things one might find in a guide book. Who knew that going to Costco with seven kittens could be that much fun. We did stuff like Dan and T lawn bowling with a professor and a skipper while 9a and I did skate boarding stunts.
Nina took hundreds of fabulous photos as usual. One of the highlights of the trip was the two hours in D.I. (thrift store) where I ran around in a beautiful wedding gown, the oldest teen kittens tried on assorted puffy vests and the little ones took turns on crutches and with a little wheel chair which they talked us into purchasing and incidentally is keeping them entertained still. I'll post more of Nina's photos soon.

I'm thinking how sweet it is that Dan Barney is playing wii with the kittens and how extra sweet it is that for the past week he has taken over all house and parenting responsibilities so that I could finish my paintings for my Cannon Beach show. I feel so lucky to have a partner who cares about me, a partner.

...sigh Thank you Dan Barney.

I'm thinking about how funny it is that last week I decided I was introverted and might be developing agoraphobia. I haven't wanted to leave the house much. I feel safe here. I used to feel sad and crazy when I had painted to long, alone in the studio. Now I feel calm. I feel calm in the present, the past and the future. I would rather be in the studio than anywhere else. That's the place I've landed, who I've become.

Then I take-off and land in another place.

The other night Dan Barney and I went to see the art show of a boy who grew up on my street. His name is Andy Bean and I was proud of him like an older sister. A bunch of kids that grew up on my street have careers in art. Coincidence...probably not.

I'm glad that I live around people that I've known for a long time. Again I think that life is good in the compound.

Andy Bean

I think about all of the good things that happened this week. I could write a lot because this week was eventful in business and in meeting new people, but I'll choose two events that were extra special. One was that my littlest kitten's first grade class walked to my house for a field trip. These are the young artists that I get to teach once a month in their classroom. I adore them and I think the feeling is mutual. It was so exciting to me to have them come into my studio and get crazy about making art.

My other sweetest thing this week was a visit with Johnathan and his cute mom. Johnathan interviewed me for a school project and I just felt instantly warm in my heart for him. He's quite a little character. His smile is what happy is. I can't wait to see what he does with his video footage from the studio.

I'm thinking that I'm glad that I've not landed and stayed in one place in my mind and body and heart. I'm glad that I get to feel and live and love. I'm glad that I feel calm and safe alone too.

Two Questions

This past weekend at our show in Arizona, I was asked two questions, both of which keep re-surfacing in my mind. During my power point presentation, a very direct question was asked about painting my religious beliefs. This wasn't the first time I have been hit with a personal question in this not so personal context. I'll share my response in a minute. I want to address the second question because it overlaps the first. I was asked by a fan waiting in line about my view on blogging in regard to sharing personal information. I am thinking that what I am comfortable putting on my blog for the enlightenment or scrutiny of others might not be the same as what another person might feel comfortable with. I personally feel alright sharing my interests (mummification, Trek Mod Drifting, my apron collection etc.), my struggles, accomplishments and inspirations in the studio and an occasional epiphany about success, beauty or gratitude. I am aware that in sharing with others, I become a target for fiery darts and criticism. The thing is...I am willing to take a lot of hits if what I share from my own experiences is positive for another person. I do not, however, feel comfortable sharing certain things that other people do feel comfortable with. For instance, my beautiful daughters, I think they should have the right to privacy. I have super cool pictures from my grandpa's recent funeral... but that's too personal. I don't share the process of drawing on my youtube videos because that too is personal. Some aspects of my religion are too sacred to share. I often want to talk about my wonderful husband but it just sounds like I'm bragging so I hold back. There are blogs that I don't feel comfortable looking at...too voyeuristic, so I don't look at them.The thing is, in some things, don't we learn by sharing? Blogging gives a voice to anyone who wants to have a voice...Web 2.0 This tool gives power and authority to the writer/reader in that they become the expert. I do recognize though, that this voice and power is not universal in that not everyone in the world is privileged to have this tool to give power to their voice...and some people of privilege don't have anything to say. So I should think that this enlightening tool is not the voice of all people, just a small percentage of humans inhabiting the earth at this time. I'll end this lengthy entry with my response to the first question, "How I paint my religion?" Well, I don't paint my religion as a subject. I am what I believe and what I am trying to understand. I do not feel that this blog is the context for dissecting my personal religious beliefs, but indirectly, they are addressed So...there are subjects that are sacred to me...and that's just for me. I thank those who have enlightened me through art and blogging and writing and...sharing.

Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again. Willa Cather

It is interesting to me how my memory seems to be too full, like a box packed full and tight, so deep that it’s hard to get to stuff so I only use what’s closest to the top.
This weekend I joined Dan on a trip, to spend some time in his work world. I assumed I’d have some quiet time in a hotel room where I could think and draw and read. Instead I got the chance to reconnect with friends and acquaintances, pulling memories up from deep in the box. I dug into that box and remembered my teaching years and teachers I worked and played with. I remembered that some of the most beautiful people in the world are art teachers. I remembered being little Cassie and how it felt to be engaged in art projects in school. I remembered the smell of paste glue and poster paint. I remembered being Mrs. Barney in my noisy, happy classroom. Those are good memories. Art teachers are special and lucky because they share what they love and make school a better place.
I met a young artist this weekend named Jason Metcalf. An artwork he did delighted and influenced me preceding my paper flowers making episode. His enthusiasm for art and life match mine and he understands completely what I wanted to learn and do with project mummy. Dan, Jason and I talked all the way home from St. George about art and theory and what we want to do with it.
I came around to a question that often bothers me, “am I giving enough?” Some days when I’m sitting in my studio all warm and happy and full, I remember that there are others when are cold and sad and empty and I want to share and give. I want to fix and I want to heal. I also feel like my pretty little paintings are insignificant compared to the contributions of others, but again I came to an idea. I remembered that right now, this is what I have to give. There are large things I can’t do, but there are little things that I can. There are things that I can’t have, but there are things that I do have. When my heart starts to droop I’m lucky to have a sweet partner who gently props it back up with kind words. Among other things, Dan said that my paintings are like poems. I loved to hear that because I love poetry. Jason told me about something he heard on NPR’s This I Believe. I can't stop the war in Iraq, I can't reverse global warming, I can't solve the problems of my community or the world, but I can mend things at hand. I can darn a pair of socks.

I got something better than quiet time this weekend, I got to remember.

Preserved

Happy Days

Getting lost in drawing is a luxury I rarely allow myself. I've spent the last two days in the studio...just drawing. It feels like I've been to a spa or something.

What do drawings mean to me? I really don't know. The activity absorbs me. I forget everything else in a way that I don't think happens with any other activity. John Berger

I did the weirdest thing today...very wierd. I was at the dollar store, picking up some supplies to make valentines...fun! On the way to check-out I passed some cheap fake flowers...yes, I did just say fake flowers. I put some in my cart. I bought them?! Now what do I do with them?

Tonight my kittens made food and credit cards out of paper and opened up a store in the studio.I was their only customer so didn't get any work done but it was nice to be there with them. I love my studio. It's warm and it has all of my favorite books and stuff all around me. It's the nicest part of winter, that I have a place I want to be. My sister Em pointed out that it is a space that has thinking room. Thinking room is good but I remember feeling the same way in my downstairs bedroom and in my 5' X 7' studio in Vancouver. It's just good to have a space that is mine, no matter where it is.