It's not for lack of desire, I want to paint something brilliant, something that counts. I want to paint something that makes you feel...right in the heart. I want it bad. It's not for lack of work. I've been working hard, getting up at 4:50a.m. I'm trying to keep my body and mind healthy. I'm even drinking water. I haven't been indulging in social engagements, just fundamental family responsibilities. I'm finding the the daily rituals of motherhood very satisfying and challenging...so it's not about being off balance or guilt. It's not for lack of ideas. I have so many ideas that I could paint for a year with just what I've written down in my sketchbook this week alone. My ideas are good...about real and symbolic refuge. It's not for lack of emotion, I have plenty of that. My heart is so engorged with emotion that it aches to be drained...even just a little bit.
I have no reasons; no excuses. Maybe my soul has moved to a level my skills can't catch up with. Does metamorphosis require a chain of painful failures? Maybe someone put a curse on me. If so...enough. Please.
I've never had this happen to me for more than a day or two.
The Polly Holliday's...a dramatic simulation
3 comments:
I'm sorry you're struggling.
I don't know if it would help at all, but my thought was that you should pick something, anything, and finish it. Even if you aren't happy with it. Sometimes, pressing forward, just to reach completion is extremely helpful.
I know it's helped me in the past. Freed my mind.
As it turns out, with all that talk of never visiting Utah, I'm going to be in St. George for 2 days this weekend. I was hoping to be there for about twice that long, but it didn't work out. I was also hoping I could work a decent layover in Salt Lake City, but Vegas was significantly cheaper to fly into.
Alas.
My grandpa died on Sunday, and I'll be at his funeral.
Do you remember a time when you made art and the outcome held little or no importance? I do. There was such freedom in that--when the process was its own reward. As we get older with more responsibilities, demands on our time, and having deadlines, we feel pressured because our art has to be somewhere physically and we think it should go somewhere conceptually, so it's hard to maintain that pure love of process. Loving what you do without expectation. I'm currently trying to find my way back to that state, to stop choking my creative flow with an attachment to the outcome.
If you can find it, read "the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle, so magnificantly simple and profoundly life changing. An old roomate from BYU recently put me on to it. It's about accessing your inner peace and you can do it instantly, it doesn't take 20-40 minutes of meditation--its fantastic!
ps. Did Minerva paint those huge Western type paintings, with thin paint and washed out colours? If so, maybe you shouldn't channel her.
xo
Angelica- You crack me up...ya Minerva is that gal. But the goddess Minerva, that's something else.
I'll look for that book and I think you're totally right. I'm kind of wishing for a respite from deadlines. Maybe that's part of coming around in this circle.
Wise words...love ya.
Laura- You are spot on. I'm working on five at once and I need to not start more but solve the problems and keep workingto completion.
When in St. George, if you go to the Dixie College Art Gallery, I have work in a show there. I think I have four pieces. I hope that you have so much fun! Thanks for the encouragement.
Kate- Thanks for you email this morning too. I have been loving your writing, you're on a role. I want to post more of your work this week.
Kisses and Hugs to all of you, Cass
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