Monday, December 10, 2007

Rites of Passage

Today is a beginning and an ending. Today I am 40 years old. I’m officially in the category labeled adult.
What a drag it is growing old… Mick sang that song to me the other night in the car. That’s when it really hit me. I’m older now.
This day was proceeded with much anticipation. I have many questions running through my mind at this juncture.
Am I happy? Do I consider myself successful? Do I have regrets? What do I want to accomplish in the second half? Do I have enough time to do what I want to do? Am I where I want to be right now?

Am I happy? I was told yesterday that I sparkle. I can't remember adding any glitter to my beauty routine as of late so that must be something coming from somewhere else. Maybe it was the Christmas lights.The thing is…I parallel happiness with gratitude. I am grateful for so much that it fill me up and brims over into tears at anything tender, no matter how small. I’m grateful for my husband, my babies, my family, my job, my health, my home, my street, my block, town, my state, my country, my planet, my universe and on and on.

Do I consider myself successful? That’s a silly question because with what can success be measured? One day I can look at my career and accomplishment and feel like a rock star and the next I realize how big the world is and how very small my contribution has been thus far. I'm throwing that question out.

Do I have regrets? Sure. When people say that they have no regrets that always makes me smile. I can’t believe that anyone can look back at their life and not wish that now and again they wish they had made a few decisions to alter their course. Of course there is also the thought that I wouldn’t be where I am now without all of the decisions that I’ve made in my life. I guess my only real regrets are those that resulted in hurting other people because of my own selfishness. I’m sorry for that from the elementary school on up.

What do I want to accomplish in the second half? I have lofty goals...I'm very ambitious about my road to sainthood. Don't laugh! I think, among many things, if I could have an attribute it would not to awe, but to inspire. The moments when I’ve felt my worth as a contributing human being on the earth are when I’ve been an inspiration to someone. That’s the best. It’s what my father and husband do and I respect them so much for that. I’m grateful to have a career that facilitates inspiration. I am grateful to everyone who has ever sent me an email to share that with me. To awe is fleeting, to inspire is to spark something in another person and that is a gift I’d like to give.
In the first half of my life, I spent most of my time focused inward. Now I want to, from the opportunities of compassionate service to the artwork that I send out in the world, give more and take less.

Do I have enough time to do everything I want to do? Well, certainly I don’t predict any boredom. It’s not likely that I can master every skill that I’m interested in or read every book on my list or spend every bit of time that I wish to with my babies but I suppose that I just have to keep working hard and get as much done as I can…and let the rest just be. That question gives me major anxiety...deep breathe. I'm working on this one.

Am I where I want to be? This morning I woke up to the smell of German Pancakes, need I say more? There is no place I’d rather be right now and there is no one I’d rather be with than with the man I love and my sweet little darlings. I'm happy.

What a drag it is growing old? Well…not so far Mick. I’m feeling pretty good. I have no desire to wear pigtails or play high school cheerleader, I think I want to be fourty. Did I just say that? I'm sure that I look older today and I kind of like it. I'm wearing these wrinkles proudly, I earned them.
She goes running for the shelter of her mother’s little helper…I don’t think so. I've never looked good in yellow. Ha! But really, it’s time to live what I’ve learned.

Thank you to all of my family and friends for making this day special. I really loved my presents a lot! Woo-woo!

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emily said...

Ten years older and wiser too, happy Birthday.. to you.

Bridget said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a fantastic start to your 40's! WOW ;)

Laura A said...

Happy birthday! I'm glad you had a great one.

The 10th is a good day, it's the day Nate and I celebrate our wedding anniversary! And your birth... It must be a day designated for miracles.

Best wishes!

~Rebecca Anne~ said...

Happy Birthday to You!

Rebecca Anne~

so said...

sorry i missed you provo show
i had plans to go
then i crashed my car
hope to hang out soon
in boston now home soon

Nigel said...

The downhill slide started at 25. That's just human physiology. If it never bothered you before, why start worrying now, right? At least that's what I try to tell my old self...

Lisa said...

Happy Birthday. What a great retrospective on your life thus far. I have 35 days left of thirty-something. I need to start the analitical process of my own life. You are inspiring in so many ways.

Robbie, Marsha & London Lueck. said...

Happy B-lated Birthday! Cass you are amazing and sooo dang darling! I love reading your posts and seeing your pa'zazz on it! Rock on girlie!

I am said...

Happy Birthday! Welcome to the fab forties, home of the turkey neck and crows feet--those pesky varments.
Hugs'n kisses.


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