I have had a terrible time sleeping. I go to bed early then get up around 5:30 which really works for me as far as getting the things done that I want to get done in a day. I really like my morning . The problem is, I seem to consistently be waking up around 3:00 a.m., after intense dreams that leave me feeling exhausted.
Last night, while I was contemplating as to why I was awake and what my dreams meant, I wrote inside the cover jacket of whatever book was by my bed. It's actually hard to read because I wrote it in the dark, hoping, like every night, that if I didn't turn on a light or get up I'd fall back to sleep. I wrote that maybe the same thing that keeps me from sleeping is the same thing that makes me want to paint. Maybe some people have an excess of emotion. I don't know, but I feel that. It's the same sensation I feel when I say that the fire inside of my burns too hot. Those dreams I have that make me feel so exhausted are like my subconscious is trying to work through all of that excess emotion. I'm not sure where else it can go... I paint it,exercise hard, give as much to family as I can....but there's still more.
I read on Chris Cutri's blog this wonderful passage about a memory he had as a kid, working with his father in Buenos Aires. It's @ stakedance.blogspot.com. At the end he writes, My favorite Bono quote: "You don't become a rock star unless you've got something missing somewhere, that is obvious to me. If you were of sound mind or a more complete person, you could feel normal without 70,000 people a night screaming their love for you."
I'm wondering if that comes from this thing I'm talking about as well...or is it something else? I'm not talking about having 70,000 people screaming that they love me, that actually gives me anxiety. I'm referring to not being of sound mind or maybe feeling like something is missing. Maybe it's not excess of emotion, maybe some of us (me and Bono, lol), despite how much we are given, how much we are loved and how beautiful our lives are, we are driven to keep seeking more. I'm not talking about unhappiness, I'm happy, and Bono...he probably would say he was as well. I love my life, my husband, my kids, my job...all of it!
I guess, at the end of the day, the important thing is how you use it....what you do with what you've got.